hello

 Long time no see!

    Recently I have lowered my T by increasing the space between my shots from 3 to 4 weeks, which is what I started with so I already know what is my average T now. Something around 120, for the curious. 

    Since my T is now lower, my boobs have slowly getting bigger, and now I'm pretty sure they're what they were before T.  (As I write this, the sunlight from my window is blasting at my boobs directly, reflecting them on my screen, making this whole deal more dramatic.) Since the growth was slow, it wasn't something as shocking as having them back to what they were before in just 3 weeks. It has just been a gradual thing that doesn't bother me very much.

    I feel like I'm in a completely different mindset now, too. I've been feeling more inclined to explore feminine gender expressions, not to mention I have a certain level of peace of mind, which is something I had zero of back in my last attempt. Now I also know that I'll have top surgery, so this boob struggle just feels temporary. I'll miss the nipple sensation dearly, but I'm also looking forward what I'll look like as a fit person without boobs and without T.

    The fit part is important. Back when I last tried stopping T, I was a bit overweight, which made everything rounder and softer and more dysphoric. Now I'm a reasonably fit individual, I have muscles on my pecs and shoulders, and this makes a great difference when looking at myself in the mirror, even if I'm getting a thinner waist and bigger hips. 

    I feel weird about my face though. I've recently shaved all my facial hair off and I feel like a toddler, and I think the fat deposits are starting to readjust on my face and my eyes are bulging out.

   Currently I have (somewhat accidentaly) skipped my shot for 4 days. I still have T for 2 or 3 shots left, so I think I'll use those and enjoy a bit of a boost in muscle growth. And then, I don't know. Maybe I'll try stopping again. 

    Mentally I'm fine. I had so much paranoia and worries last time, I think this was mostly due to the situation I was in than the hormonal imbalance itself. I also don't feel much of a difference in libido, but I know my E is high because I've been feeling pleasure differently since a couple days (good change honestly). Also my boobs are swollen and I've felt cramps, so my uterus is probably getting back on schedule.

    Hairline wise, its over. Norwood did not have any pint of mercy for me. I have a hair island and I keep my hair tied back to try and enjoy the little I have left. It was painful to get here but now that I'm here I don't care too much. Whatever.

my current feelings regarding my hair island

    I still haven't had the guts to shave it all off though, simply because I am sure that once I shave it I will not want to go through the toilet cleaner part of the hair growth stage again and I'll keep it shaved. So I'm enjoying having a hairstyle while it lasts, or until it gets annoying.

    I also think of buying a wig, but recently I've bought a hat to protect my bald stop that was cooking in this unholy brazilian sun, and I found out one can sweat out of their head, immensely so. If a hat causes this much heating, I don't know about wigs. I'll still give it a try though.

    Currently my only worry is that I might have some trouble using male bathrooms in unknown places, but I feel like once my facial hair is back it won't be much of an issue. The balding also makes me look very masculine so even without a beard this one covers me up. I've also aged like a guy in the last few years, and guys in my family are wrinkly and look 50 at age 18. I already got my fair share of Certified Family Member wrinkles, some of which I literally have had since I was 12 and just got more intense now.

    I think I look very androgynous, not in a way I expected to be, but in a way my body is I guess. I think theres this idealised way of androginy that is beautiful, subtly masculine, subtly feminine, thin, boobless and hairless. I don't look like that. I look like just some random person that'd exist in your periphereal vision while in a supermarket. It is great to think about how androginy isn't that much of a big deal, nor it is something exclusive to nonbinary or trans people. Plenty of binary and cis people out there have androginous traits in them, and no one really cares about that in their day to day life.

 

 That guy has boobs.

    I think I'll go take my shot and then I'll go to the gym grind on that high T while it lasts. Not sure when my next update will be, maybe this year still, who knows.