Just saw my HRT helper app give me a notification that my T shot was 56 days ago. How cool is that?
In a party, I felt a bit insecure hitting on gay man, but the feeling hit me again: Having a beard and deep voice really is all people need to label someone as male. Meaning that even with my insecurities things went fine. Theres also that I am slowly becoming someone that is undeniably and visibly trans. There is an evident gender situation about me now, and to hint on people and be desired with an undeniably trans body is an euphoric experience in itself. To be approached by other trans people because you yourself look transgender, that feels better than any cis passing ordeal I've dealt with.
I want top surgery, but being desired as a "guy with boobs" makes me ponder about keeping them. Many fun things can be done with those plugins on my chest. I'll only be able to do it next year anyway, so I'll have plenty of they/him boob time.
On the body changes, there has not been any significant change since last update. Though some things I've noticed:
- There are days in which I have a lot of discharge, I'm keeping track of it but I don't know if that'll be just a part of my circle or if the hormonal readaptation is making my natural bacterias freak out. Its honestly expected that there'd be some sorts of situation down there in the readaptation period so I'm whatever about it. In the first weeks there was some funky odour even, but its slowly not being a problem anymore.
- I've been having a hard time focusing and doing things, but I have ADHD so it could very well be because of that rather than hormones.
- I'm getting a lot of pimples, which is something another nonbinary person once talked about when they quit T - for them they had the "worst acne period of their life, then it got better and eventually went away". I think I'm going through the same, but my excess acne is 6 pimples instead of my traditional 2.
- The hair on the upper part of my thighs is balding. I used to have absolute zero hair on my thighs, so I guess this is slowly coming back. Or better saying, its slowly going away. I hope some of it stays because I like having muscular hairy legs. Though its not the worst if it disappears again, I guess it'll make tattooing easier.
- My hair seems denser, though I have the feeling the entrances will not go away.
- My lips look fuller and my face smoother. I've always been androgynous with a sharp jawline, so I can't really say I look like a girl, but I look more feminine.
- Pee, sweat, armpit, all those smells are different. Even butt smell! Estrogen makes butt smell more intense than testosterone, which is a weird fun fact I'd expect to go the other way around.
- I've noticed some small light spots on my nipples, which is something I had before T because I have high prolactin. I do happen to be one of those people that get high prolactin due to nipple play, tested and verified. It was even something that got in the way of me starting T until we figured things out. I wasn't getting those while on T, but I guess now that I am estrogen dominant again I'll have those again.
- I used to have a small linea nigra (the pregnancy line on the belly) which has not returned yet, but I'm expecting it to make a comeback eventually. I have hyperpigmentation, or at least used to have it way more significantly before T, most noticeably around the mouth, lips and eyes. The spots where I had darker skin aren't returned yet, but I did lose pigmentation on my genitals. While on T, the lips and hood got the same skin tone as the rest of the body, with hyperpigmentation affecting the equivalent areas where you'd expect a penis and scrotum to have (lower/tip part of lips for scrotum, some parts in the clitoral hood for the shaft).
- My dick is so shrivelled up now its saddening. Boo!!! This will be my forever complaint about estrogen. I only see my dick in its glory again in the 30 seconds before I cum, and even so its not a full performance. Having the E vagina is a cool tradeoff though I guess. Also, anal feels different. Its definitely not bad. But anal on testosterone is way more pleasurable, like vaginal on E is more pleasurable. I wouldn't say its a downgrade because its still good both ways, but it feels different. Thinking about it, anal on T is probably the closest to full body pleasure T can give, while on E it feels more localised around the spot. Maybe it was just some mild experiences and things are the same? Who knows. More research will be done on the subject.
- I'm squirting again 💔 my fucking matress
The overall feeling is still that I won't go back on T. I think I look cute, I'm very happy with my face changes. Testosterone thinned my lips so much, so its nice to have meaty lips (mouth) again. My gym performance is the same as before, i'm more muscular now, mentally I'm fine, so yeah, things are going alright.
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