Summed up:
I was supposed to take my shot on the 4th of april. Today is the 13th, so i'm somewhare 9 days without T. On the shot before my last shot, I accidentaly delayed it for 12 or so days, as I had an international flight followed by a week of sickness and I forgot T existed. So while technically 9 days isn't the longest time I've been without T, I'm noticing changes that simply did not happen on those 12 days before.
Maybe the fact that I had a delayed shot followed by an on time shot followed by No Shots influenced the speed at which I got those changes - My T levels were probably already really low and in those 12 days my E mananged to quietly rebuild some things. Who knows.
There are two main changes so far: First, is that my dick no longer works. Its dead and died, which confirms my previous suspicions that maybe we transmasc people too go through impotency without T. While I can still feel pleasure with it, the current response to hornyness seems to be wetness instead of a hardon. During stimulation it gets a minimun amount of hardness, a semi at best. Pleasure type seem to be slowly switching back to what it was before T, and penetration is no longer uncomfortable. I'm also seeing some minimun amounts of discharge.
The second change is that my breasts are probably as big as they were before T. Seriously. They got double the size at very least. My theory is that since I spent a good 77 days overseas indulging in all sorts of food, I put up some weight, and since estrogen quickly took over T it was in charge of deciding where all this new fat deposits would be. This isn't a dysphoric experience and its not interfering with my passability, though I'll have to get a sports bra to comfortably wear certain clothes without marking my tiddies so much, or to go to the gym.
I'm not feeling pain on my breasts so I think this change is legit just fat storage (well, combined with incoming menses, probably). I also don't feel many cramps, however I did spend a couple days feeling my uterus throbbing. Its like I could feel the veins and arteries that cover my uterus in details. I can mentalise a sillouette of its shape now due to it.
I forgot to mention this earlier so I'll edit this one here now. I noticed myself "slowing down". Maybe its a lower heartbeat, maybe its lower metabolism. Maybe its my braincells being flushed away. Though honestly, I feel like that if there is a thing that removes your braincells it is testosterone. In HRT change graphs, you might find notes saying that testosterone makes you have more gray matter in your brain. Well honestly I believe that you could change all that extra gray matter with a styrofoam filling and obtain the same results. Its like your brain creates a whole new department entirely dedicated to being stupid and looking at other people's butts. Never in my life have I took as many careless decisions as I did on T. Like, nothing off my personality limits - its just that risk taking gets increased, I guess. Often I crossed streets like a pigeon would. With time I got used to those new impulse reactions and got a better hold of it. Kinda.
Another thing is that my skin quickly became smooth. I feel like smooth adam sandler now.
Passability isn't inferfered so far but I'm definitely looking more feminine. Not as a cis girl through. I don't think anyone in their right minds would look at me and say "look, a woman". I mostly look androgynous as hell. But then again its been only 9 days.
I'm still as swollen as before. I guess liquid retention takes a long time to leave you.
Some fat is being deposited on my hand, mostly noticeably between thumb and the first finger (whatever this is named in english). The fingers are also getting rounder. My hands were bony and veiny on T and I guess it makes sense for them to be getting softer again now.
Another new fat deposit is on the face. If its the girly babyfat or just the obvious consequence of eating schnitzels with fries for 3 months I dont know yet. I'll know for sure after a couple months in the gym.
Mentally, I'm honestly mostly fine. I went through some anxiety, worried about losing this "me on T" self, because I sure had a wonderful time being on T. After being on an airport and going insane at the amount of pretty people around me, I feel like I can safely say that T did permanent damage to my brain and my libido is no longer what it was before T, which was non-existent.
My energy is kinda leaving me though. I can't say for sure if its because I don't have so much T on me anymore, or if I'm just straight up tired. I noticed I got tired in the middle of a walk I easily did on T a couple days ago, and I spent some days napping a lot.
So, my current thoughts on being without T are:
Good:
- Libido is still high - I've become a hornier person once I've got more comfortable with who I am. Its not just T'!
- Free
Neutral:
- Boobs
- Being tired more easily
Bad:
- My dick wont work (this one legit makes me consider being on T again.... but lets see how it develops)
Continuing without T? Once I noticed my dick was limp I legit thought about going back to T when I returned to my country. However it seems I forgot my last T vial overseas, so this will have to wait.
My log as I wrote it every day:
Was wsupposed to take shot 4 april.
Delayed 2 weeks one of my shots, then normal shot, then didnt this one. T levels mightve been low already.
06 ap
- More fluids during penetration
- Yellowish discharge during penetration
- Longer orgams
- Smell difference on genitals
- My lips look softer, with a dark colouring on the sides. I remember I noticed this change too when I started T - I got darker, thinner sides on my lips. Now they're darker on the sides and more meaty on the middle. May'be they darkened completely with T and now are undarkening. I guess that's a goodbye, Tom hardy lips.
- I guess its supposed to be the other way around but I'm going through higher libido. Maybe its PMS?
(later added: at this point my boners were normal btw)
08 april
- while wearing a shirt, i noticed one of my boobs looks a bit round, instead of its usual saggy appearence. touching them feels bigger, too. they look more "boob shaped" rather than "sock shaped". I got some period pimples on my chin. might be swelling up before a period. i've been putting up some weight too so maybe its related to that and i only noticed now.
- I've bought a menstrual cup.. Its one of those pink papperla cups. The package for this is adorable, with some aliens and cats theme. Lots of vulva puns and vulva pictures, but none of the 🌺 ♀ She/Her special ♀ delicate flower♀ moment ♀🌺 you'll often find in menstrual products. I'll probably have to wait some months for my first test trial though. . Doesn't feel dysphoric at all. Its pretty cute. The viva la vagina loca bag is tacky as hell though.
- I'm getting so many pimples... I'm glad I've watched that one video where a fellow enby talked about their pimple outburst after stopping T.
09 april
- I can feel my uterus waking up from its 3 year recess. A very small amount of discharge is happening. Sometimes it throbs randomly. I felt a bit of that peeling feeling one gets on periods earlier. I guess it woke up and went immediately back to work."No time to lose, I'm 3 years late in my schedule". I can respect that.
- One of my boobs is at if not bigger than what I was before T. I've always had them swell to double their size during periods, so while this isn't something new on my body, I'm surprised at how fast this happened. They were saggy and miserable last week. Now they're boob shaped boobs. I wish i'd say this makes me feel horrible, but boobs do feel kinda nice. The part where i'll have to wear sports bras on the gym is kinda lame though, I always hated that stuff.
They feel sore but not painful.Also, I'm putting up a lot of weight since I'm on an international travel having the feast of my lifetime. I guess since my T is low and E is taking over, the E in me is saying "this new fat has to be stored here in the boobs" and the T in me is saying nothing because its probaly too low to do anything..
Its a bit odd to think this happened in 5 days without T, but I think its also good to consider that my T was kept kinda low, and I did delay one of my past shots for 2 weeks. So maybe one could consider thiis 5 days without T with an extra 2 weeks without T before it.
Oh, i'm also getting some chub on my arms. My hands too. Hands on T look shrivelled up and boney, on E they're softer.
Not noticing any difference on thighs & butt so far.
Mentally speaking, I feel like i'm chilling down. Not in a calmer way. Maybe its a slower metabolism kinda thing. Maybe its all the styrofoam filling leaving my brain. Maybe i'm just tired.
I got tears on my eyes when thinking of a scenario. I've thought of this emotional scenario before on T. The emotion was exactly the same. Its just that the physical reaction of eyes watering up happened. The emotion is the same.
Thats a thing about T too. You get some different physical reactions to things, or your response to frustation becomes more like to be angry than more likely to be sad about it. But you're still you.
Also, T makes you emotional. I've never hit the table playing a game before, but on T it happened and not as an one time occurance. You act on impulse, take more risks, don't think before acting. Like yea, you don't produce eye water as much or as easily... but I don't think i can say "woman are emotional because they cry a lot" after knowing what T does to your brain. if you're angry on E, you're still rational. T makes you go chimp mode with anger. With hornyness too. All that talk about post-nut clarity is something else once you know the T need to jerk off daily.
I've noticed some fat on my pubic mound, which was basically flat before. My hands look a bit chubbier too. Again if this is because of estrogen or just because I've been putting on weight from being on an international travel for 3 months eating everything that is front of me I don't know. I cant say its very pleasant either.
Penetrative sex has become more easy and pleasure feels a bit different. I had a hard time having an erection. Did my dick die on me? Not having a boner anymore feels like one of those things that might make me change my mind and go back. I can take the fat milkers, but not a soft weewee.
I'm also having this moment like damn, did I really live like this? Im still super swollen btw.At least my muscles didn't deflate as fast as my boobs grew back. The fat on my belly is still there though, and my butt and thighs dont look different.
Maybe all those things too hapened when was 2 weeks without T but i didnt notice bc i was not paying attntion to it. Maybe its faster bc of it.
---
10 April
Where did my erections go? I feel like my dick died. I still feel pleasure, but its like, a semi hard at best. Girls talk about their dicks dying all the time and I was suspicious something like this would happen to us too if we stopped T. I guess I was right. Maybe its an adaptation time thing. Maybe its because I 'm going through stress and the anxiety of all thats going on has my dick going "actually nah."
Having a limp dick might be one of those things that makes me go "you know what, maybe this aint it" regarding using T temporarely. I guess there comes a time in life where an enby must choose between male pattern baldness and impotency. If impotency comes with being able to come multiple times again, then maybe thats a trade worth thinking about.
Other than that I feel smoother and I feel like the changes I see through my eyes are a way bigger than the changes I see on the mirror. I'm also very tired and always ready to take a nap. I feel very whatever about many things. My skin doesn't look good.
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