Two weeks without T log

 14 April 2023

    I'm exhausted, swollen, and smooth. My naturals look fantastic though. Cisnormative views of what a male body should be be damned, boobs feel amazing. Let here be known that I love boobs. I heavily dislike how they're associated with womanhood though. Can't a guy have fat milkers in peace and still be respected? The time at which my juggly jonkers may intervine with my passability and therefore with my safety has come. They were manboob shaped on T, but now they're just boob boob. I don't think I can pull a "this is gynecomastia" one confortably anymore. 

    Everyday I look more feminine which is honestly odd. Its like I look like a 15 year old. No one calls me ma'am on the streets - I'm still a bearded person with early signs of male pattern baldness. 

    My plan with the temporary use of T deal was to retain the permanent changes from T and then go off it to obtain an androgynous body. I guess this is androgynous indeed! I got so used to looking like a cis guy that androgyny feels odd. Like yeah, I might be losing my cis guy pass now - but its not like I look like a cis woman either. If by next month or so I'm just straight up looking like a cis woman with a beard, then I might have to come back to my T roots. And buy a shaver while at it too.

    Genital wise, I feel like what can best describe the impotency situation its that its hard to mantain a boner rather than boners are gone forever. You know those air pumps games where you have to keep pumping it or the slide goes down and you lose, or, I don't know, flappy bird? The moment you stop touching the bird it goes down? Its kinda like that. Flappy bird dick mechanics.

    Discharge is becoming more constant. I think i'm entering fertile period which makes sense. I spotted some brown in it, maybe its menses? I guess thats for tomorrow me to know.

    The venus mound is getting fatter which isn't something I'm enjoying to see. It covers up the size of my already nerfed dick. So I guess i'll put it to the negatives in the final concerns. 

    I'm losing muscle mass. I've been three months away from the gym, so it makes some sense. Maybe this one isn't exactly on E, but its not like E is helping any of this. Maybe I'll join the gym today.

    Theres a warmth feeling on my mouth and in some parts of my body like one would get with a fever, though I recognise this feeling from after I get a T shot. This is some hormonal spike warmth thing.

    I feel like those things are all so big, but when I look in the mirror, it doesn't look like so much has changed. Its weird, Maybe I'm unlocking a new kind of dysphoria. If this whole deal ends up making me more dysphoric than balding does, I'll go back to T. 

    I wrote all that stuff  👆 in the morning. Its now 9pm. I decided to go, exhausted as I am, to the gym. I did a softer version of my usual set and I felt energised and alive. Going to gym is an essential item to this alternative masculinisation process and without it this feels pointless. I can say that now because at the gym it truly felt like I was doing something for a reason. 

    I've been around 3 months without working out, but my workout plan didn't feel so hard. I took it easy since I knew I was exhausted, but it was good to go there and do a little bit progress. Its also neat cuz the gym has a thousand mirrors, and there I can see that I truly didn't change much. I'm still me. I've been having some issues with dissociating through this, and this kinda stuff pulls me back.

    My appetite is affected. I often lose appetite in tough times, so maybe thats why.

 

15 April 2023

    I feel a bit better than yesterday, though still a bit dysphoric and anxious. I'm planning on getting a tattoo. You can't really be sobbing about how your body is changing and be excited about a change at the same time, so this helps. The gym works the same way - there I feel like all this has a purpose and I'm actively working on it, instead of just sitting on my bedroom sobbing over the changes on my body.

    As quickly as I been putting weight, I think I'm now losing weight. I look and feel smaller. Maybe its the lack of hair. Maybe its my shoulders.

    Talking about hair, I'm noticing some new hairs growing on where I had my receding hairline. Mission success?

    TMI genital stuff aside (as if things weren't TMI enough) I'm noticing a vinegar-ish smell on mine. I can see how a rebalance in hormones would lead to some yeast issues. No other symptom now.

    My dick is still stuck at a semi-at-best state. The amount of fat thats gathering around it makes it look smaller, though if I flatten stuff around/pull it it looks normal. Just flaccid. And sad.

    Since a couple days now I've not been dealing much with the post nut exhaustion. No multiple orgams yet though.

    My energy levels seem to be getting back to normal. I'm out of shape, though.

    I had this thought today that if I end up sticking with no T for life, I'd probably go back to it after menopause. I mean, at that point, it'd be nothing but appropiate to just be bald, and I'd not deal with menopause horrors for long.

 

16 April 2023 

    I wake up feeling like a dumbass.  I was close to not wearing a shirt in public and now this. But then a side by side photo comparision between what I was when I was early in my gym days on T and now, and its not so differen't. It just looks like I put up some kgs. 

    I guess T has its benefit of not waking up feeling like a dumbass. But I also feel that if I went back, I'd feel dumb for not trying long enough.

    The changes I want to go through will take months to aechive to be certain that this process works (or doesn't work). I feel like I picked a really crap moment in my life to try this. I mean, the decision to give it a break came before the crap stuff happened. And now I'd feel odd to come back to then try stopping at a most appropiate time because I don't want to be going on and off T every few months. Though if I were back on T, I'd be mourning 4 things instead of  5, which would definitely make things easier.

    I'm starting to not be so swollen anymore. 

 

17 April 2023

    Yesterday I spent most of the day out. I've been exhausted at around 9pm and waking up at around 5am, which matches the time I was waking up overseas. I don't mind it, its actually cool. Except when its 7pm and you're outside fighting for your life to not fall asleep.

    I felt menstrual cramps yesterday. They were your average menstrual cramp pain, but feeling pain again was unusual. Its like this grim reminder about how much of the life of someone with an uterus surrounds around resisting and experiencing physical pain as a constant. No wonder theres this idea going around that we're most resistent to pain - we have to.

    I feel somewhat dysphoric, but more stable. Its like I'm having to deal with all those shit again that I once got over with. Though I know in the future I'd want to give a try to being without T again if I were to quit it, because I've not completed my mission: Get swole and see if being swole is enough. Sadly being swole takes time even on T so this might take months if not a year to figure out.

    Genital talk: I'm having discharge again, penetration gets easier everyday, orgasms are getting longer. I had forgotten how long an orgasm feels on E. Its like double the stuff you have on T, if not triple. You don't feel exhausted after coming and its not as satisfactory though. Boo!

    Also, my genitals no longer smell like dick but rather like pussy. It's odd. I'll put it on the bad changes list.

    My hips and ass might've doubled in size. Theres some tiny light hairs growing back on my vegeta peaks.

    My returning dysphoria makes me feel like I'm shaped like this:

    

    Also I've found out tattoo ink oftem has cadmium in it so my bigass yellow tattoo dream might've been flushed away. Sighs    

    I wrote all that stuff earlier today and now its late and I've returned from the gym. Going to the gym is such a healing experience that I wish I could stay there all day long. I've bought a sports bra to cover up the tits some and it works, though I can't lie about how I feel silly wearing a sports bra, 

    I can still lift the weights I lifted before but its a bit harder. I'm taking it easier to get back on shape. I felt like I overworked myself at some point and my blood pressure went down. This happened to me before, years ago, when I started going to the gym on E.

    No one calls me ma'am.

 

Final thoughts

Good:

• Longer orgasms
  
• Free
• A bit of my hairline might un-recede. This happens because those folicles haven't died yet.
  
• I'm still physically strong
• Less dissociative than last week, more mentally stable.
  
• I'm still alive?
• Still passable
  

Neutral

• Dick size is the same, just doesn't get as hard or keeps a boner as easily. I guess this isn't exactly neutral but more like, good and bad at the same time.
• Penetration is easier and there are more fluids. This used to be something I missed deeply of estrogen but now thats here I'm kinda whatever about it. I'd rather have boners again.
  
• Menstrual cramps. Its not bad, its just whatever. Sure is better without them, but with them its... whatever. Glad to know my uterus still works?
• My skin is smooth and most my pimples are gone.
  

Bad

• I don't think I can use my dick to penetrate others again.
• Dick smells like pussy now.
• Boobs making me somewhat dysphoric. I don't like what I see. Wearing a sports bra to make myself flat feels dumb. The sensation of having boobs and having them touched is great, but everything else kinda bad.
  
• My hips and ass are getting yassified. I feel like an IMVU avatar. 
• Fat on pubic mound making my pussy cheeks cover up whats left of my already nerfed dick.
  
• I don't feel masc enough to get naked in front of someone.
  

 Unknown

• Something is going on with my eyebrows. Are they thinning? Huh. Weird. 

 

Keeping off T or going back to T?    

    I don't know. I keep thinking that if I were to stop now I'd want to try this again in the future. To avoid me going on and off T in the future, I gotta try this now. Maybe I'll give myself a month.

    I feel like this is liveable, its just not ideal. But its not like T was ideal either. Back on T, I'd not have to worry about passing or not anymore. But I'd have to worry about balding and taking a medication for the rest of my life.

    I ponder about shaving my head bald, getting a wig, and a trimenstral T shot.

 

my current relationship with the gym.