I think the only reason I can say I'm safe and fine without T is because I got to use T temporarely on the first hand. I am very thankful for my past choices and everything I've learnt and became because of it.
There are things that used to be a great source of dysphoria for me, that now don't bother me as much. Maybe living a life where it doesn't bother me has changed my view on that. Theres also that I could look at my pre-T body from an outsider point of view as after 5 years of testosterone that body was no longer what I saw in the mirror, and what I saw was someone cute with many good physical characteristics, even things that I used to dislike. I think I really needed testosterone to be able to see those things and to go through the growth I have now.
I had a mega feminine phase when trying to deny my transgenderness, which in a way was good to get in touch with feminity, but bad because I was using it to pretend I was something I'm not. I reached a point of no return when I thought that "if I was a guy, I'd be a very feminine one" and this truth became undeniable in my life, and its still something I feel. After I went on T I adapted a completely masculine presentation, and while it was very fun for a while, it started bothering me and made me feel very limited. I wanted to try so much of femininity, but doing so would put me at risk, not to mention the fear of being dysphoric.
Having a completely masculine presentation distanced me so much from femininity that I could no longer feel represented in anything women or womenhood related. Not that women have to be feminine, but I really no longer belonged in women spaces. This distance from womanhood also allowed me to explore it as an outsider, which made me able to explore my once repressed bisexuality. I felt safe as a non-woman being sexually involded with women, before T that was something I had difficulties doing, as the body of another woman would be, in a way, a grim reminder of the dysphoric situation I had with my own body. Without dysphoria those bodies became something I could appreciate and get involved with, both in my sexual life and my art. By learning how to appreciate them, I think I learnt how to appreciate what I was. I remember finding an old picture of me and having a moment of shock - was I really this cute? It was so hard for me to see myself as that. Though truth be said I'd not like to look exactly what I was before, but seeing what I was with this changed mindset made me feel safe to become something that'd be similar to it.
Nowdays, in my nonbinarity and in the body I inhabit now, I feel comfortable belonging both in a "neither of those" and in a "both of them" gender situation. Before I'd explain my nonbinarity as neither a woman nor a man, now I feel like I could also be both of those, in a way that enhalts the first description rather than nulls it. I felt comfortable with gay man finding me attractive, and as I approached that mindset I started feeling comfortable with lesbians too. I look like a hot gay man. I look like a hot lesbian. I'm both those things and yet I'm neither. I enjoy being what I'm becoming and I feel as if I was reaching a mature version of my identy in which I truly am comfortable with myself, rather than being something because something else would be dysphoric or unpleasant.
As the temporary changes of testosterone go away, I feel how much my previous appearence was dependant on a medication. My mindset, on the other hand, feels unaffected. Sure I feel as if I'm easier to produce tears now, but the emotion I feel and what evokes those remains the same. Its just a different body reaction to the same stimuli because I have a different hormonal balance now. The longer time passes without testosterone the more I feel like I'm not going back on it, because going back to it feels trivial. I could take medication for the rest of my life to have a minor fat redistribuition that won't be as significant as working out, thicker arms, boners and a different smell on my tdick. It's not worth the monetary, mental and liver costs for me. There are binary trans men out there who spend their entire lives without touching testosterone - in fact, most of them have not, counting how relatively recent testosterone treatments are in history and the amount of humans that have lived up to this point on earth - and their manhood is unaffected by it, so truly hormonal therapy isn't a requirement to be a man, or someone whose gender identy has something to do with manhood. In my current mental state, I feel like I could become Dolly Parton and the masculinity in me would be unaffected, because appearence has little to do with gender. I don't need testosterone to be my gender, and more importantly, I don't want it.
Sure being on testosterone is fun though. I do reccomend it. If you're someone who feels like using it would be good for you, you should talk with doctors, do your exams, and give it a try, for whatever gender or non gender reason you have. You might figure out this is what you want to do for the rest of your life and live happier than you could ever be. Or you might find out using it for a while is enough, like I did. For both conclusions you'd need to try it though. There is a lot you can learn about how bodies work by having a different hormonal set, I can for sure say my experience writing erotica is now something only those who dared cross the hormonal seas can have, as I know exactly how both hormonal profiles change attraction, arousal and pleasure.
Basically not only I don't regret anything about testosterone but rather I am extremely thankful about the experience, it was mostly enjoyable and I'll treasure those moments, I'm overjoyed with my permanent changes, I'm happy in my now estrogen dominant body in a way that I would never be if it were not to be for testostorone, and you'll never hear me saying "nooo don't do hormones you don't need them!" because doing hormones not only saved my life and my mental health, it made it possible for me to love being with and without them, it made me who I am.
I am now looking forward what I'll be in the future traveling the world in an estrogen dominant body. I look forward having top surgery - which by the way, I feel like may be easier to get than before while I was on T, because somehow being back on E made my nipples way too sensitive in an unpleasant way, and if its for them to be bothersome I guess I won't miss much once they're gone.
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